Big Momma Prayers.

With all of this big scary stuff going on with the McBaby, I almost forgot to include in my prayers all of the basic momma fears. I just finished Bossypants, and luckily Tina Fey’s got my back.

This woman is 5 months pregnant. I am 6 months pregnant. I do not look like this.

“First, Lord: No tattoos. May neither Chinese symbol for truth nor Winnie-the-Pooh holding the FSU logo stain her tender haunches.

May she be Beautiful but not Damaged, for it’s the Damage that draws the creepy soccer coach’s eye, not the Beauty.

When the Crystal Meth is offered, may she remember the parents who cut her grapes in half And stick with Beer.

Guide her, protect her when crossing the street, stepping onto boats, swimming in the ocean, swimming in pools, walking near pools, standing on the subway platform, crossing 86th Street, stepping off of boats, using mall restrooms, getting on and off escalators, driving on country roads while arguing, leaning on large windows, walking in parking lots, riding Ferris wheels, roller-coasters, log flumes, or anything called “Hell Drop,” “Tower of Torture,” or “The Death Spiral Rock ‘N Zero G Roll featuring Aerosmith,” and standing on any kind of balcony ever, anywhere, at any age.

Lead her away from Acting but not all the way to Finance. Something where she can make her own hours but still feel intellectually fulfilled and get outside sometimes And not have to wear high heels. What would that be, Lord? Architecture? Midwifery? Golf course design? I’m asking You, because if I knew, I’d be doing it, Youdammit.

May she play the Drums to the fiery rhythm of her Own Heart with the sinewy strength of her Own Arms, so she need Not Lie With Drummers.

Grant her a Rough Patch from twelve to seventeen.Let her draw horses and be interested in Barbies for much too long, For childhood is short – a Tiger Flower blooming Magenta for one day – And adulthood is long and dry-humping in cars will wait.

O Lord, break the Internet forever, that she may be spared the misspelled invective of her peers And the online marketing campaign for Rape Hostel V: Girls Just Wanna Get Stabbed.

And when she one day turns on me and calls me a Bitch in front of Hollister, Give me the strength, Lord, to yank her directly into a cab in front of her friends, For I will not have that Shit. I will not have it.

And should she choose to be a Mother one day, be my eyes, Lord, that I may see her, lying on a blanket on the floor at 4:50 A.M., all-at-once exhausted, bored, and in love with the little creature whose poop is leaking up its back. “My mother did this for me once,”she will realize as she cleans feces off her baby’s neck. “My mother did this for me.” And the delayed gratitude will wash over her as it does each generation and she will make a Mental Note to call me. And she will forget. But I’ll know, because I peeped it with Your God eyes.

Amen.”

-Tina Fey

 

Comments

  1. janebird April 26, 2011 at 8:45 am

    tina/lemon is one lovely lady bird – so is BQM! three cheers for you two.

  2. Jennifer April 26, 2011 at 9:00 am

    I love this! That last part made me cry.

  3. Nichole @ Parlour April 26, 2011 at 9:48 am

    So awesome. Loved it, and I don’t even have a child. Tina Fey is a comedic goddess.

  4. Emily V. April 26, 2011 at 10:01 am

    So funny…I thought I was the only one scared to cross 86th st. love it.

  5. Renee April 26, 2011 at 10:10 am

    Having raised a daughter, I can say that this is all so true, right down to the day I called my mother crying when my daughter was 17 and driving me nuts to apologize for everything I ever put her through. It suddenly CLICKED how much she loved me as well as how much I Loved my daughter, being that she was still alive despite her 17 yearoldedness.
    Thanks for posting this!

  6. Alaina @ Live Creating Yourself April 26, 2011 at 10:25 am

    “And when she one day turns on me and calls me a Bitch in front of Hollister, Give me the strength, Lord, to yank her directly into a cab in front of her friends, For I will not have that Shit. I will not have it.” – love this. love all of it.

  7. Melissa April 26, 2011 at 10:29 am

    I love this as its not only super funny but oh so true I would imagine!

  8. Sweet Nothings April 26, 2011 at 10:31 am

    cried.

  9. A Casa da Vá April 26, 2011 at 10:54 am

    This is hilarious and touching at the same time!
    ps: I want to read her book!

    Hugs & kisses from Rio!
    http://acasadava.blogspot.com

  10. Maureen April 26, 2011 at 1:57 pm

    I just finished this last weekend, and I loved it. When it comes to a good book, I prefer the oops I just peed my pants a little inducing ones…well done Tina! And I’m sure you look fabulous at 6 months, it’s the almost 10 months being pregnant version of oneself that requires you to no longer be scared of child birth, anything to stop the weekly weigh-ins!

  11. kristin April 26, 2011 at 2:47 pm

    “Lead her away from Acting but not all the way to Finance.” – wish someone would have told me this in college…I had to learn the hard way!

  12. Kipling House April 26, 2011 at 5:08 pm

    I may not have a daughter, but I have a Mom… and this post has me crying at my desk. So sweet, So true!

    Best of luck to you in the remainder of your pregnancy (and getting through the teen years, MAN was I a beast!).

  13. erin April 26, 2011 at 5:23 pm

    Love this post. I agree it is hysterical…and touching. I was laughing and yet my eyes welled up with tears thinking about my daughter. love, love!

  14. Cat April 26, 2011 at 5:25 pm

    Laughed out loud twice in class. First time, teacher looked and ignored me. Second time, asked if I needed to be excused. Thank you, Bailey and Tina Fey. Y’all made my final dead week bearable.

  15. Carissa April 26, 2011 at 11:10 pm

    perfect… laughing and crying at the same time…

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