Down another hard earned pound. 13 pounds overall. 13.2 if you want to get specific. At this point I am hoping to get to half of my original 35 pound goal, and I think I can do it if I really buckle down. Which I have been. I am starting to teach myself how to run again, which is really the most mom friendly workout in that it is quick, I can do it with my girl, and I tend to feel a lot less stressed/murdery afterwards.
Thank you all, again, for your tender words last week.
Especially on the scars. It does help to see them as a reminder of our miracle, I do think it would be a whole lot easier to think of them as beautiful if they were just a weeee bit smaller. Winks. I’ll get there.
I also want y’all to know that I do not walk around my daily life berating myself. A few of you mentioned you wish I wouldn’t be so hard on myself, and although it might sound like it in these posts, but I really don’t hate myself or the way I look. I know to a lot of people I might not even seem overweight, but this really isn’t about how other people see me. As I have said from the beginning it is about being comfortable with myself, so that I can reflect a positive and healthy relationship with my body and with food and exercise to my girl. And these posts are the time each week when I reflect on how things are going, and I try to be really honest with y’all about the things I am struggling with because I have found talking about it to help, and your feedback is always amazing.
There’s some deep seeded issues with food and exercise and my body floating around in my head, and I do feel like I have started to address those by airing them out and taking the long way in this journey of sorts. And while I haven’t full wrapped my head around loving my scars, I definitely do love my overall body a lot more for keeping our girl safe and cozy.
I guess I would say it makes me feel more connected to my body.
I have also learned some hard truths.
Perhaps, none harder than the truth about guacamole.
Delivered to me unceremoniously by Simon Doonan.
“Suddenly the hostess plonks a bucket of guacamole on the table and the frenzy goes into overdrive…the dudes storm the guac, double, triple, and quadruple dipping their chips into the sloppy green oily mush…Restraining myself from shrieking, ‘Stop it, girls! Just stop it!’ I make the effort to switch to analytical/caring/concered mode. Have these dudes any idea how much fat is entering their bodies? How will they offset this catastrophic intake of calories in the coming days and weeks? Are they planning on doing a cleanse?”
“There’s a lethal amount of fat in guacamole,” he went on. “A friend of mine was just going off to Mexico, and I said to her: ‘If you get kidnapped, remember to tell your kidnappers: no guacamole. You cannot be in a confined space ingesting guacamole. You’ll become so enormous.’ ”
But wait, I wondered. Isn’t avocado supposed to be good for your skin?
“Maybe if you apply it topically,” he said.
Guacamole is green! Like vegetables!
And would you believe me if I told you that I genuinely had no idea guacamole was that bad for you? And don’t talk to me about good fat, fat is fat when you are trying to lose weight. It has been a pretty mind blowing fact to wrap my head around over here, but knowledge is power and if I am going to partake in some calorie-a-palooza I would at least like to be aware that is what I am doing.
This reminds me of another one of those sneaky “good fats”: peanut butter.
I actually loathe peanut butter. But every day for about a month post baby I would have a snack of peanut butter and apples because I thought that was healthy as in diet. Literally, I was gagging on the PB thinking to myself that if I could just manage to choke it down, I would be skinny in no time. Ummm false.
I just wanted you guys to be aware the level of confusion and readjustment we are dealing with here.
Please let me know if you suspect there might be another secret calorie bomb in my repertoire that I might be blissfully unaware of. But if any of you tell me brussel sprouts are fattening I might have a melt down, so tread lightly.
Oh, and because I am sure you were all waiting with bated breath, I am cutting the weave. After June 1 as a celebration when I get finished with this public humiliation diet.
*btw, I am going to stop blogging about the dieting weekly after June 1, but I am not quitting, just continuing on with my goals privately*