I want to start today’s discussion by addressing the tension that seems to cause discord between working and stay-at-home Moms whenever we talk about our situations. I think that a lot of it comes from projecting our own personal situations, beliefs, circumstances, desires on to others. But I also think some of it is embedded into the way we frame the discussion itself. Namely in the cliché phrases “having it all” and “stay at home mom”. And let me preface this by saying I am not calling any of you out for using these terms, up until, like, yesterday I never even thought about any of this and used them regularly. I probably will continue to out of habit, but I think it is worth considering.
I think the notion of having it all, some universal ALL, is one of the most destructive ideas at play here- for reasons I will go into later- but also because when framed in such ridiculous terms, if working women are trying to have it all, women who don’t work must therefore NOT have it all. All requires more and less. And the subtle assumption is that women who work in the home have less and strive for less. I think this sneaky little judgment puts stay-at-home moms on the defensive from the beginning of the discussion.
And then there is that term: “stay at home mom”. Maybe I am being nitpicky or overly PC, but I don’t think so. I think that the things that need to change for the situation for women to improve, requires us to shift our core beliefs and attitudes surrounding office work and homemaking. That can’t be done if we are still promoting those stereotypes with our language. Maybe instead of stay-at-home moms we should call it “be-at-home-moms”.
Stay is passive. Like you came home from the Hospital on maternity leave after giving birth and just plumb forgot to leave the house again. And I know that could not be further from the truth. BE-At-Home-Moms don’t just find themselves there. In my experience they come to that decision after a great deal of thought and planning and do so out of a desire to actively raise their children.
I whole heartedly believe that the #1 thing that needs to happen for women to have a fair shot at pursuing a career with a family, is that we need to truly respect the job of raising children and managing a home life. Sheryl Sandberg talks about it in her TED talk, and it is the biggest thing I have learned on my journey so far: If you want to balance a career with your family, your partner needs to be working with you toward the same balance. Since we are debating traditional roles here (I wish I could offer a perspective on a same-sex balance, maybe some of you can contribute that in the comments), that means that we need our male partners to split the work at home. If we look down on women who work in the home, men are not going to see it as estimable work that that they should share in.
But all of that is jumping ahead a bit, although I think it is necessary to lay that out there so that we all feel comfortable and honored in this discussion. So what is the problem we are talking about here? Let’s revisit the stats I posted yesterday:
- “190 heads of state—nine are women. Of all the people in parliament in the world, 13 percent are women. In the corporate sector, women at the top, C-level jobs, board seats—tops out at 15, 16 percent”-Sheryl Sandberg
- U.S. Companies owned by women generate $1.3 trillion in revenue and employ 7.7 million people. But they lag when it comes to the million-dollar club: Just 1.8 percent of women-owned companies hit that mark vs. 6.3 percent on the male side. 1.6 million female-owned companies have annual revenue of more than $50,000.
- “Consider that 17% of women-owned business owners don’t have employees- a major influence on why they can’t increase revenue, Merlino says, citing U.S. census statistics”
- “Consider that women entrepreneurs are the fastest-growing group of small-business owners. What’s more, women own nearly a third of all businesses (29 percent), but they bring in only 4 percent of all U.S. revenue and 6 percent of all U.S. jobs”
What does this mean and why should we care? Well going point by point here is what that all means to me.
- If women are under-represented at these high levels of the workforce, companies and governments are missing out on the unique gifts and perspectives women would bring to the table. If women are not players at this level, the smartest, most educated, best-paid jobs; the women who typically have the choice to work in or out of the home, they cannot affect change for women who do not have that choice. We cannot influence company or government policies if we are not in positions of influence.
- Combining the last three stats: Women are already collectively a huge force in the economy. The ideas, skills, and motivation are there. We are starting businesses, but we are either not aiming for higher levels of success at an alarming rate, or we are not able to reach higher levels of success at an alarming rate. I suspect that a portion of these numbers represent mothers whose primary goal is to be at home (see what I did there?) but who have found a way to supplement their family incomes, and/or carve out some time to still pursue other work on top of raising their families. And for those women, this is not about challenging for them to do more yet. This is for those of us who have chosen work outside of the home, and who have either put a cap on our own success due to perceived limits, lack of ambition as some would suggest, lack of opportunity as others have posited, or perhaps a lack of understanding of what is possible, what is at stake, and how to get there. And THAT needs to change, because what women have here is a prime opportunity to be a positive force in turning around the US economy. We already have established the businesses, we need to start to grow them, to hire employees and provide jobs. Could you imagine the good it would do for female empowerment if we were responsible for turning the economy around?
Maximum respect, mon.
Speaking with Jamie, she echoed the belief shared by Sandberg and many others that part of the problem at least lies in a lack of female ambition. And before people freak that anyone is hating on their gender here, let us remember that one of the single most prominent trait of successful people is a perceived internal locus of control. In studies across the board it has been shown that successful people assume full responsibility- credit and blame- for their success. There is a power in believing that the cause of our problems lie within us, because then the power to change is within us as well.
I happen to agree that part of the problem has to do with female ambition, not necessarily a lack thereof, but of a female discomfort with ambition as a trait. First of all, there is the widely cited fact that success and likeability are positively correlated for men, and negatively correlated for women. There are generations of fairy tales and parables warning of the risks of female ambition: Snow White, Adam & Eve, Black Swan…
One of the articles I suggested addresses the various issues that arise around women and ambition. The author starts out by saying that even though she has interviewed dozens of successful women across all fields, that Catherine Zeta-Jones was the only one who openly owned her ambition in stating that she wanted her own Oscar on the mantel by her husbands.
Get it, girl.
The author continues to make the case for a female discomfort with owning their ambition with quotes from Oprah, Hillary Clinton, and Condoleeza Rice that all to demonstrate an overbearing modesty that seems to plague even the icons of female success in this country. Why?
“One reason women hang back is what Feldt calls a lack of “intentionality.” “It seems that from their earliest days, boys know they’re supposed to have a specific interest; they can decide to be and do whatever they want,” she says. “Girls are now told they can be and do anything, but they’re much less likely to be taught that they should have a life plan that’s intentional. Girls are socialized to be reactive; boys are socialized to be the askers, girls the askees. Such patterns have been documented by observers like Fels and psychologist Mary Pipher, the author of Reviving Ophelia. Further, when females do develop a plan, they’re less likely to muster the confidence to pursue it, according to the experts. “A man looks in the mirror and says, `I’m going to run for office.’ He doesn’t question whether he should or shouldn’t do it; he doesn’t question his qualifications,” says Feldt, who teaches a course in women, power, and leadership at Arizona State University. “Women are more likely to say, `Something is wrong, and I want to help fix it.’ But women are more easily dissuaded. If a man sees one thing he can do, he applies for the job. If a woman sees one thing she can’t do, she doesn’t.”-Scarlet A
That was long, but there was no way I could paraphrase that as well. For me this rings so true. I was always told that I could do and be whatever I wanted, but I do not think I was actively pushed towards that goal in the same way I would have been were I a boy. I have also always strived to know my weaknesses, and while I believe that is important, I think I have hidden behind them. I realize now that I always equated success to financial gain, and it felt arrogant and greedy, and unnecessary for me to pursue that. I think I was also scared, knowing my weaknesses, of what people would say if I admitted I was ambitious. That I was delusional, that my efforts were just some vanity project (which, by the way, people have gone out of their way to tell me), that I was selfish for promoting my dreams now that I have a baby to take care of. Male ambition reinforces essential male qualities: having balls, taking it like a man, Manning Up. Female ambition does not have those same associations, instead we get Nina in Black Swan. I think that is changing, but I think it needs to change faster. Luckily, Beyonce is here to help.
There is a lot more I could say, this discussion is so expansive. But I am going to stop here for today. I think I am going to pick up again with this tomorrow based on your feedback, and hold off on the solutions until Thursday. So what do you think about the topic today? What rings true or sets off your bullshit alarm? What else do you think we need to address on the problem end of the issue?
I luuurv this tawpic! I think one of your next big ambitions should be compiling all these insightful comments into a journal of some sort… just sayin’.
I agree with everything you’ve mentioned but I think a loss of female ambition also comes from expectations, emotions, inability to compartmentalize, and lack of fearlessness.
I think the fact that success and likeability are positively correlated for men, and negatively correlated for women, is glaringly apparent. Fear of success goes way beyond fairy tale forewarning for the ladies. I believe societal values and expectations of a woman’s role are detrimental to female success. I can’t help but believe the more successful a woman is, the more her ambitions and success are doubted by others. What must she be giving up to obtain such success in her professional life? Is her husband having to cook dinner? Are her children under the care of someone else? Who is cleaning her home? While she is fulfilling her personal ambition, she’s perceived as failing her societal expectations even if home life is as happy as ever.
Unfortunately we are emotional and relationship driven creatures. Stupid hormones. If we aren’t at 90% in all of our relationships (family, husband/boyfriend/fiance/girlfriend, old friends, new friends, children, etc.) then we’re beating ourselves up to the point of exhaustion. Add a full time job on top of it all, and it’s enough to make a woman crumble. We want to be liked. By all people, all the time. We’re people pleasers and sometimes our relationships get in the way of going the next step in our careers. We want everyone to be happy even if it means sacrificing the one thing that makes us most happy in the world, a successful career.
This is a bit of wisdom I pass on to my friends when their man friend is being particularly insensitive: Imagine two dressers. One is a female dresser and one is a male dresser. The male dresser only opens one drawer at a time. He opens the relationship drawer and closes it. He opens the work drawer and closes it. He opens the friend drawer and closes it. This dresser is always in balance and will never topple over because multiple drawers are never opened at once. The female dresser has many drawers that tend to open all at once. Sometimes, the work drawer, friend drawer, and relationship drawer can all be opened at once. This dresser is incredibly unstable and when enough drawers are open, the dresser topples over. Going back to emotions, a lot weighs on a woman’s shoulders and we measure that weight all at once instead of bit by bit. A lot weighs on a male’s shoulders but they have an enviable ability to focus on the task at hand and nothing else. Compartmentalizing isn’t a lady strong suit.
It takes a strong woman to know that what is right for her isn’t what is right for everyone else, or beyond that, society as a whole. I think you are being an incredibly strong woman for Gracie and Pete and they should be very proud of you. You have clear goals and ambitions and most importantly, fearlessness. My mom stayed home with my brother and I up until I was two after a successful career as an engineer. She then went through a divorce, put herself through law school, and became a full time attorney. I’m sure she doubted the risks she was taking, but she went into it fearlessly and is doing what she loves. Every woman in this world needs a little more fearlessness in that concoction of sugar and spice and everything nice.
We should teach our daughters to do what they want and do it fearlessly, that people will doubt their goals, that their emotions will be all over the board but try to focus on one at a time, and success will find their path.
I love “be-at-home-moms”. Sorry for writing a blog post length comment…
Bailey, this is a fab topic!
I think the notion of “having it all” is a crock of sugar, sweet notion, but if you try to eat it you’ll be sick. Everything in balance. It seems to me that there is a season in life for different things, and life is about balancing different needs and priorities. The point you made about needing support from your other half really resonated with me too – I once read something that said that it isn’t 50/50, sometimes you need to be the 80 to your partner’s 20, and sometimes you are the 20. (In fact, did you say this in one of your posts?)
Anyway, the other thing that hit me (in my season of life) is that all of my worries about losing ambition or focus and wanting to balance that with a family are not insurmountable. If I lose the idea of “having it all” then I can take your example and take on a little (or a big chunk in your case) of what I fancy and still be a good mother and a great wife (and I may even have time to glitter polish my nails in the process)
I appreciate that this has just been a rant and a half, and probably makes no real sense, but thank you for putting the time into this post, it was exactly what I needed to hear today and it has made me feel so much better! xo
I love “be at home mom.” It makes such a great point and the connotation is so much lore accurate. I’m definitely stealing that!
For the record: love Be at Home Mom.
Especially in the sense that many days, it’s a struggle to mentally Be here with my girls, instead of focusing on the goals, aspirations, etc I perceive as missing out on. It’s much harder to be a BAHM than a SAHM. Good call on that.
This all hits a little too close to home for me. I too, have a unique set of circumstances that directly affect my ambitions outside the home.
The biggest takeaway for me from this particular post is the notion of being able to separate your own situation from that of others, and determine what defines “success” for you. I know for myself, all the gremlins come out when I allow societal notions of success to drive my own goals.
I think it’s probably particularly common for women because often, women’s ideas of success don’t align perfectly with society’s (money, power, fame, whathaveyou).
When they do, however, it is often left to the woman to defend herself and/or downplay her ambition.
Great topics! I have a few comments since you asked:
I totally agree that be-at-home moms (a term that should be adopted post haste) can have it all, especially since being at home is more and more a luxury and a choice due to the economy and the need to two income households. I think it is society’s job to understand that everyone’s “all” is different and that some women’s “all” is having the job of mom and other people is having a different job title.
I think one point you missed is that some women’s “all” does not include children and that should be okay too. There are some people that cannot fathom the fact that some women and married couples do not want to have children (bio or adopted) and that should be okay. That if a successful women is childless she did not sacrifice children for her career, she may just not have that need or desire to have children at all. It seems to me that there is a double standard that it’s okay for men to never have kids but for women it’s this huge crime (maybe that’s just some cultures or maybe just my family).
Another point I think may have been glossed over is not only what happens to ambitious women, which you covered beautifully, but how society treats ambitious and successful women. I think it is easiest to see this on a large scale in politics. Look at how people in casual conversation as well as the media at large treated Hillary Clinton, Sara Palin, and Michele Bachman when they ran for President of the US. When not having their looks and outfits being talked about, their temperament is being talked about in such a different way than their male counterparts. I have never ever heard Bill Clinton be called a bitch, but i have heard Hillary called it dozens of times. Ane never has anyone mentioned Mitt Romney’s shoes or outfit, but I know practically every pair and outfit Sarah Palin and Michelle Bachman wore in all their appearances, some are even rated in tawdry rating systems. This happens on the small scale in offices all the time. I know first hand, me being young and wanting to advance in my career in my office I constantly have to skirt the line between being strong when leading a team or project and not being “too forceful” or I come off as being “bitchy”, something my male colleagues do not have to worry about. Men being forceful is seen as strong and “being a man”. Women being strong and trying to command is seen as bitchy. It’s a setup for failure, but how do we fix it?
Great idea and discussion Bailey!
Back again – just picking up on the last comment about downplaying ambition, I don’t understand why ambitious women sometimes feel the need to play into a macho sterotype of being hard and aggressive – I’ve often found that women in positions of power are worse than men, almost as if they have clawed their way there and feel like they have to act like a man to maintain their status in a “man’s world”. How can we fix this?
Great post! I think women feel all these things, but rarely have the time/energy to say them. This quote sums it all up…”If a man sees one thing he can do, he applies for the job. If a woman sees one thing she can’t do, she doesn’t.” I was guilty of this “stinking thinking” this week. We need to remember what Glinda said to Dorothy…”You’ve always had the power…”
Something that is constantly weighing on me is the need to be perfect. I think this is something that all women spend entirely too much time focusing on (myself very much included). I want the most beautiful home. I want to be the best cook. I want a perfectly clean house all of the time. I want to be in perfect physical shape. I want to always be perfectly dressed and perfectly coiffed. I want the perfect mate and the perfect job, and wanting all of that perfection is just setting myself up for failure. It is impossible to be perfect in every single thing you do, and by having those outrageous standards for ourselves (I am assuming I’m not the only person who strives for this perfection), eventually I think we must let something fall by the wayside, and I think it makes sense to let our careers suffer because we as women have this innate need to nurture others and prioritize our relationships with our kids and our spouses and our friends. Being the perfect mother and the perfect wife and the most perfect version of ourselves isn’t as daunting when you take the career out of the picture.
I am off base here? This is something I think about myself a lot. The perfectionist in me is a double edged sword. On the one hand, it makes me strive for perfection in my career and in so many areas of my life, and it has created an amazing work ethic in me, but on the other hand, I am constantly tearing myself down when some area of my life isn’t perfect. And I tend to do the same towards other women. If they aren’t perfect, then they aren’t doing enough.
I think you’re entirely right. We need to foster love and compassion and support towards other women, whether they are Be At Home Moms or Working Mothers because we all have our own struggles, and by lifting each other up, we are lifting ourselves up.
I agree with everyone else…BE at home mom sounds SO much better!
I also really agree with KatieKates. The women that don’t want children are marked just as much as the women who have/want them. She doesn’t want kids? She’s too focused on her career! Shame on her. He doesn’t want kids? He’s focused on his career! Good for him! Isn’t it amazing that there is such a chasm between those two responses?
One thing you didn’t mention that really pulls at me is that there is a LACK of back-up for women. Let me explain. You want to run for office, big office. Most of the people around you are men. Who do you elect to be your advisor? Is the male advisor going to push just as hard for you as he would a male with the exact same resume’ as you?
On that same train of thought, women (for the most part) fear losing what they have. The new attorney in your office constantly asking for your advice or assistance…you help her, but in the back of your mind you’re thinking, “she’s going to take my job one day” and so although you do help, you’re not really wishing her much success. We all do this, whether we realize it or not.
I think we as women are each others worst enemy a lot of times. It’s petty and silly, but a realistic truth.
Love that you are addressing this topic on your blog! As a 24-year old college grad who has been in the corporate world for a little over two years, I often struggle with what I am “supposed” to want. I’m young and my career is just starting, but this conversation is too often framed as a “pick one” situation- a family life versus career life. Thank you for your having an open conversation and looking at this topic so open-mindedly!
I just wanted to chime in on a small point you made… as a 25 year old engaged woman who just passed the bar exam, I feel like I’m setting myself up to be judged re: child rearing, already. I’m a few years off from children, but I get a little stressed even THINKING about it. As parents, we tell our children (male and female) they should strive to be anything they want to be.. doctors, lawyers, astronauts, etc. Yet, in having these hypothetical future discussions about whether I’d stay at home with children or not, I feel like I’m already being shamed for my current (and who the heck knows where that may end up in reality) stance that I’d continue to have a career. It goes back to what another commenter said. woman doesn’t want kids or is focused on career? shame. Man focused on career? bonus! It’s a really strange dichotomy I’ve found. We want to send our little girls off to Harvard to move mountains, but shame them if they should consider letting “strangers” raise their children.
I always love listening to, and watching, the theoretical debate about working vs. homemakers. I also love the term “be at home.” It’s not like people just accidentally do that. It’s a meticulously considered conscious choice.
I love your topic and think it is crucial that women overcome the nastiness that can happen between two different ways of life (single vs. married, kids vs. no kids, stay at home mom vs. working mom) to truly “run the world”.
It is sad to me that as far as women have come there is still this pettiness that occurs among women who have made different life choices. While I can’t speak to the working mom vs. stay at home mom conversation I find similar judgements as being a married women who simply doesn’t want children. I have an amazing husband and adorable dog and that feels like a complete family to me. While I don’t want to be a mommy I also don’t want to be a workaholic ball buster. It continues to surprise me in 2012 with as far as women have come they are still largely defined in three groups (mommy, ball buster or sad single spinster). I think there is a lot of talk in our society of being open to different ways of life but in my experience that is not always the case. I hope that blogs like yours and other outlets get women talking about it more openly and opening their minds to different ways of living.
Life is short after all and you should do YOU, even if it doesn’t fit into a societal norm.
Wow! I love this discussion. This topic really interested me in undergrad when I majored in sociology at a very liberal school. I read these stats and felt empowered and believed that society was changing to accept women in the work place in powerful roles. Following undergrad I went to dental school and spent almost all my time and energy focusing on being a dentist. After graduation I began to interview for associate positions, and the reality of inequality between genders in the workplace, and in particular in dentistry, became clear to me. Even though my dental class was divided equally between males and females, I found that the majority of dentists who own their own practice are male. At almost every interview with a male dentist I was asked when I plan to have a baby, and do I expect to return to work afterwards. I found this unfair and insulting. These were questions that I had not even asked myself, because I have been so focused on my career as a dentist. I was expecting to be asked about my skills and knowledge as a dentist, and not a babymaker. Since I began practicing I have had one patient refuse to see me because I am a woman. Shocking right? I whole heartedly believe that something at the core of society’s view on gender roles needs to change. The problem is, that change is slow. Thanks for posting on this topic!
I guess I am way old school. I don’t mind being called a “stay-at-home” mom. I do 100% of the work at home: chores, bills, cooking, etc- and don’t feel taken advantage of…. In fact I don’t want my husband to do those things- I enjoy them and truly feel rhatvus my “job”. I know that may not work for most couples, but it works well for us. And isn’t that the key: finding what you and your spouse are both comfortable and happy with? As for ambition? My only ambition is to be the best wife and mom I can be. I don’t see myself as a failure, or a waste of a college degree. I am 100% fulfilled at home. I don’t ever plan on returning to the work force- and I feel okay with that. For me personally, I don’t think I could devote myself to a career and still be the mom and wife I know I want to be and need to be. There just are nit enough hours in the day! Are there sacrifices to that? Sure! A second income could sure come in handy:) But- for me personally- being at home with my little is WAY worth those sacrifices. Vacations and newer cars vs being home…. No contest!
Love this! I always thought I wanted to be a “be at home” mom but after being at home with my son for his first four months of life {I had him in the summer–I’m a teacher} I NEEDED to get back to work. He is a handful {fussy, demanding, whiny…}and while I love him to the ends of the earth {please don’t get me wrong}, I could’t emotionally do it. Kudos to both “working out of the home” and “working in the home” moms! We all are amazing!
I’m sure many of you have heard this before and I apologize in advance for not knowing who originally said this but….”You can have it all just not all at once.” 37 and two kids later I would swear on this statement as I see this first hand in my life each and every day. In my 20′s I kicked ass at work and moved up quickly. Hear the breaks squeaking as I get married and have kids in my 30′s. If I worked like I did back then my family wouldn’t know who I am. Plus, I don’t think my former company would be okay with me giving 150% for so long and then “slacking” (in their words) while I try to juggle raising a family with my job. Am I bitter? Maybe a little bit. I agree we need to get rid of the titles we as moms give to each other. I used to be a “career, move up the ladder , get out of my way or I’ll run you over with my awesomeness girl” but now I’m more like “I work at a job I don’t really like because we couldn’t afford our house, car, private school etc. if I didn’t and I’m paying now for decisions made in my 20′s.” Sorry I’m rambling but I guess you could call me a “work outside the home but really want to be a ‘be’ at home mom because it kills me to be away from my kids”
Ahhh… how the simple use of words can stab like a knife. I do think that being aware of these things and also respectful of words and how they can hurt, is key. I remember when I first had to go back to work after my son was born, a few ladies would say things pointedly like “Well, since I’m a FULL TIME Mom….” As if because I helped support my family, I was in some way a “Part Time” mother, or lacking in some way. It was horribly painful. And around that same time I read a blog post by someone that I loved to read saying something along the lines of ‘Why would you PAY someone to raise your children? You wouldn’t pay someone to love your husband for you.’ I almost died. Clicked unfollow and tried not to cry at my desk.
Thankfully, I have lovely and supportive girlfriends – some are “be at home mamas” and others like me work outside of the home. I love that they never judge and are always there to lift each other up. Thank God for those women!
I really wish I wasn’t so swamped right now, because I love that you’re talking about these issues and I have so much to say, but no time to organize my thoughts and get them down.
I’ll just say this: Thank you for writing this inspiring piece. Like you said, I was always told than I could be anything, but I wish that someone had encouraged me to be more ambitious. I loooved studying English, don’t get me wrong, but I wish I’d been actively pushed toward a lofty goal. I feel like I didn’t reach my potential, and now I’m floundering to figure out if I still can. I needed to read this today.
I’m not a mom, so I’ve never had to deal with the working mom/stay-at-home mom debate, but damn it I wish women would stop judging each other so harshly in EVERY facet of life. It’s such BS.
I love all the different perspectives. Smart analytical post!
I have a one year old, and I have to work to help support our family. My husband is self employed and still building a business so I have the insurance and benefits. And I hate working… actually I don’t hate working, but I hate that I have to work full time outside of the home, and that my baby is in child care and I feel like I never spend enough time with her. For me, I don’t feel like I have a choice. And I don’t fault parents for any choices they make or “have” to make. I have little flexibility in my job, and I really only get 2-3 hours a day with my sweet girl. She is SO loved and cherished and is in a high quality child care, but I wish I could “be” at home with her. I love the “be” at home part as well. I don’t fault anyone who thrives on having a fulfilling job and is a parent, not at all. We all have different paths and are just doing our best, and I am so over any kind of mommy war. Just saying, that I love being at home with my family, and wish I had more time to “keep” my home, cook, and spend time with my precious little one. Like some previous posters, I love the traditional house chores, but as a full time working outside the home parent, my husband does split these chores with me. But I’d be happy to take care of all of it, (or most of it anyway) if our situation allowed it. I am constantly on the lookout for a more flexible job, or how to create my own business (go Bailey!!) to creat the life I desire and still pay our bills!
Awesome.
1. I too hate the term having it all. I mean what is to say that an at home mom or dad doesn’t have it all in their eyes? It is really a personal perception issue whether or not someone is completely content in their daily life.
2. Homemaking is not a fluffy mindless career. I find that in my working life I rarely find something that stumps me completely. I have trained for my position for years… College, internship, actual work… But stuff at home gets the better of meeverysingle day. It is like if you choose the at home career you are now expected to be the expert in homemaking and every aspect of it. If someone is a great cook, how often do you hear someone explain it or belittle it with she’s a sahm
The only thing I semi-disagree with your statement that you felt like you weren’t pushed as much because you were a woman. I didn’t feel like that at all, but, as always, it’s because I have a (somewhat) unique perspective–my parents are both lawyers and for a time my mom made more money than my dad. My parents, for the most part, made the same amount of money (they met in the workplace). They also shared the “household” duties in much the same manner–my dad did the sewing, my mom cooked, they both did yardwork, my dad coached my sports’ teams, etc. So I guess for me, just because my parents have always been “equals,” I never thought that I was pushed less than my brother. In fact, I’m now a lawyer HA. Anyways, I love your blog and love that you decided to confront this controversial topic. It’s hard because everyone was raised differently and so has strong opinions on the subject.
I love this topic and how thoughtfully you wrote about it. Let me tell you, I feel like any other area of parenting, it is one where you can always get an opinion from someone. I work out of the home one day a week, as a dental hygienist. I thought long and hard about getting my DDS. In dentistry the choices are to work for a corporation and have constraints placed on the quality of your care, or to be self employed and the extra work involved with managing staff, pay roll, equipment, etc. I was just not up for either on top of the full time commitment dental school loans would create, plus forgoing income and sacrificing time together for the several no kids years of married life my husband and I had. “Having it all” is a myth. Some people think I have it all. I have a job that I love. I get paid $30 an hour in one of the lowest cost of living areas of the country (midwest). My mom watches my kids, for free, no less, and my kids have the chance to develop a tight bond I never had with their grandparents. Not every ambition must be purely career driven. I have chosed to turn off my career ambition and I have not yet been sorry. I feel that we can be at the pinnacles our our career, with help, if we are super ambitious, don’t mind running on little sleep, and are ok with sometimes missing moments with our husbands or kids. I have a good career that I love and is fulfilling, on a limited basis. No one sees me as the superstar of dentistry. But I impact lots of people weekly at work, and I impact my children daily at home, I get to enjoy countless beautiful moments with my family and endure some I would rather not. I yell sometimes. I really don’t feel like either is preferable. People should be allowed to make the choice that works best for them, and you should not be judged for having ambition and the help to follow it any more than women whose primary or only ambition is to foster their family should be made to feel less for following that. But I do think every woman (be at home or not) should have a hobby, career, passion, or service project that defines who she is apart from her family.
(I hate typing on the iPad)
Like that explains everything. Obviously she has hours and hours to prepare said meal and so of course it better be good. Instead, what if she genuinely likes to cook, took some cooking classes and put those skills to use. To me, that in itself is a form of completely overlooked ambition that gets dismissed on an almost daily basis. I could go on for days about this, as I had planned to be at home and it was astounding how people who found me smart and driven were shocked. And everyone thought I’d be bored. I mean who hasn’t been bored at work before?! I digress.
I found the part about Women being Reactionary the most interesting part of this post. I had never thought of it that way before but it is so true.
I think that the stereotypical feminist has somewhat disenchanted what I would like to call girls feminists. I like to wear dresses. I like lip gloss. I like cute shoes. And pink. And i care what my house looks like. And i like flowers. And I like it when my husband opens my car door for me on dates. But I also believe that in nearly every single career men and women are equally equipped for the job. And let’s face it a guy who displays an over zealous amount of ambition is just as douche bagish as the girl who constantly screams I am woman hear me roar… And if you try to open that door for me I swear to god I’ll kill you. Because that feminist is not me. Just as much as the woman who has to get her husbands approval on everything isnt me, either.
I’m going to stop for today… Because I gotta get back to work. But this is the most interesting posting you’ve done in a while, lady. And, I can’t wait to go back to pretty pictures next week once we have all become empowered.
I think the one thing we as ladies need to stop doing is putting that little candle snuffing word “just” in front of everything that we do. It’s just a side gig so that I can stay at home with my kids… I’m just a be at home/sahm
Oh, Bailey. I’ve been a very longtime reader of this blog, finding it years ago for design ideas. I married after you did, even though I’m a few years older than you, and I had a son about a year (I think) after you had Grace (he’s almost five months now), so I’ve been following your personal journeys very carefully as well. I’ve never, ever commented on a blog before, believing that commenters tend to be a little crazy and have too much time on their hands (apologies to the other commenters), but I’m coming out of the shadows to say that I really love this post. Good for you for bringing these issues to the forefront. I returned to work about a month ago, and it’s been a real struggle. The funny thing is, the biggest supporter of me going back to work was my own mother — who was a stay at home mom. Or a be at home mom, I should say. She felt like she lost a lot of her identity when she had children (she had three) and really struggled because of it. But I feel like since I’ve become a mother, the lack of support comes mainly from other women. For a ton of reasons that I won’t bore you with, I wasn’t able to breastfeed … something for which I felt absolutely attacked, by other women. I’ve noticed that in my NYC community, there is a ton of judgment out there (if you’re not eating organic food, if your sofa has flame retardant foam in it, if you are taking your baby to classes, if you’re not taking your baby to classes, etc., etc.), but the thing that I’ve realized is that, at the end of the day, we’re all really just trying to do right by ourselves, our family, and our own children. So the hate needs to stop. It’s hard enough being a mom, especially a new one. So Bailey, good for you for tackling this (and all the haters) head on. Enough already.
Unfortunately, I think my comment was deleted when I tried to post. But it was very thoughtful, and now I’m too tired to go through it all again. But Bailey, thank you so much for starting this topic thread. I’ve been a long time reader of your site, and this is the first time I’ve been compelled to comment. Since I became a mom five months ago, I’ve realized just how much judgment — especially by women of other women — is out there. Enough already. We’re all just trying to do what’s right for ourselves, our family, and our children. It’s hard enough, and we need all the support we can get.
I wanted to respond to this part specifically: “I happen to agree that part of the problem has to do with female ambition, not necessarily a lack thereof, but of a female discomfort with ambition as a trait.”
I think one of our biggest issues as a female society is exactly what you said—”our discomfort with ambition as a trait.”
I’ve had several personal experiences with this. Most of my friends would probably say that I’m the “most ambitious” out of everyone. But, I don’t think that’s necesssarily a positive thing.
In college, I regularly expressed my desire to my own boss one day, start a business, be a C-level executive of my own making. Most of my friends expressed their desire to stop working once they got married. Not necessarily as a choice to be a mom, but because they hadn’t conceived a path for themselves beyond marriage. And don’t get me wrong. That’s absolutely fine. In fact, I think it is the women who choose to have a homemaking career (whether it includes children eventually or not) are some of the best givers of their time, energy and funds to charitable organizations and that is so important, especially in an economy like this—there are so many people that need our help.
However, when I sit at the happy hour table with my girlfriends, all of whom were born in the early to mid-1980′s and express my excitement about my recent promotion or raise, I feel feigned excitement and praise. It often reminds me of that scene in the beginning of the movie, The Help, where Emma Stone tells her girlfriends that she got a job at the Jackson Journal during their bridge game and they all look around at each other with disapproval. “To Skeeter and her job, last stop til’ marriage…” I think what I’m getting at is on the very same wavelength as the whole “You’ve got to stop calling each other sluts and whores…” thing from T. Fey. Not only as a female society are we dragging down our success by our lack of ambition, but the large consensus by our peers that ambition is the exception, not the rule, only perpetuates the problem.
I also think the notion that you can’t have everything you want, without some consequences is very prevalent among our society. I think women in our generation talk about being very progressive when it comes to gender equality, but they put themselves second to their husbands or boyfriends. In where they go to school and what career path they choose.
I love feeling all smarty pants this week while I’m reading your blog!!
This stay at home mom versus working women with it all is complete crap. I’m hoping our generation does a better job of balancing both and not polarizing ourselves as one or the other. My mother had an incredibly successful financial career, but she admits that there were times she wishes she had been an at home mom. Just like some at home moms were envious of my mom’s success and her independence she was envious of their ability to send their kids off to school and be home with them afterwards. As women we need to stop competing with each other, start supporting the choices we make, and teach our kids about equal partnership (and I completely agree with Mackenzie that we think we are all progressive when it comes to gender equality but then so many ladies put themselves second to their husbands or boyfriends…that’s not equality)
Also, you shouldn’t feel guilty about what you’ve been given and where you come from. You can’t help that. I live by the saying that “to whom much is given, much is expected.” I respect the fact that you are willing to share so much on the internet and that you are starting your own company. I know Biscuit is going to be amazing and can’t wait to see your products. I too am launching my own company – Rescue Pet Goods, we’re going to sell collars and leashes with an innovative design so our products are easily washable and will donate a portion of our proceeds to the rescue effort of animals – if you have tips on finding a U.S. manufacturer I would be forever grateful (I hope you don’t think this is a plug, because I don’t even products, just would love some advice). Thanks for being so open and honest and discussing tough topics.
To qualify this, I love your blog and have maximum respect for your work. I do think that a big part of the problem is that women get relegated to sectors of business that don’t traditionally gross highly. I work in the technology field, and you can make major money there, and making money is expected– i.e. pretty much all internships are (well) paid and start at $25/hr. Making money aka economic power is much harder to do so (although certainly not impossible) through interior design/home goods.
One thing that I have wrestled with personally and have certainly thought about while reading your blog, and seeing women start startups in more traditional female spheres like Rent the Runway, is that while on one hand I love that you love what you do and it seems like most of those women are following their passions, it somewhat saddens me that the majority of female business ownership happens in such traditionally female sectors. I suppose this problem will dissolve as soon as more women are business owners. Anywho, my two-cents. Thanks for starting this discussion!
bailey, i am not sure if you have her email through comments but jennifer the dentist could possibly have a legal case on her hands! asking an interview candidate when they plan to have a child is def. an off limits interview question!!! how sad she was asked this question instead of focusing on her professional skills!
bailey, i am not sure if you have her email based on people who comment but jennifer the dentist could possibly have a legal case on her hands! asking a candidate when/if they plan on having children is def. an off limits interview question!!!
Again, bailey, you’re right on point. I have to agree with other commenters about acting like women in a man’s world. Why should we act like men to get ahead?
I even asked the hubs for his opinion on all this. he said the main reason women are in these situations is very simply that God made us different. I know that sounds like a big DUH right? But he’s right! (damn him) God made us different for a reason, so why can’t we rule with those differences instead of changing ourselves to be like men?
Well here is positive news on this front, research shows that start-ups with women leaders are more likely to be successful. http://www.inc.com/jessica-stillman/women-executives-key-to-start-up-success.html
Bailey-
I often come to your site in the middle of a hectic work day for a fun design pick me up (or yes, oogling your gorgeous homes and incredible designs) but was pleasantly surprised this afternoon and felt the need to comment on this topic that has been on my mind since, frankly, college. While in law school, I decided that although I didn’t want to practice law, I recognized that I had a lot of ambition and frankly liked what I could buy with money I made, and at some point I decided not to have kids. Because here is the rub- I’d want to be better at it than I have in my wheelhouse right now. I married a wonderful man a few months ago, also rapidly ascending the career ladder, and we have had many conversations about this topic. Mainly that he works 12 hour days and I work (ok, I’ll be honest) 9…we have a cat and I don’t feel like a good mom to the darn cat, so I don’t think I will be having a baby. Because I cannot separate my ambition from my idea of motherhood- my mother was very open in her life- she had a “job”, but no one was supposed to take her (herself holder of a masters degree) job “seriously” and dad’s money was the real money, the real career. Ie, call mom if you’re sick, don’t call dad. And I had a pretty involved dad. I am now watching my husband ambitiously work his butt off and have consciously said that HIS career is the important one because SOMEONE has to do house stuff, pay bills, etc. (Yes, I also have help- guilt for that as well). But here’s the thing. I have a law degree. I am also rapidly rising the damn corporate ladder. I make almost as much as my husband. WHY DO I AUTOMATICALLY ASSUME HIS CAREER IS THE ONE TO FOCUS ON? And why, if we don’t have kids, do we have to only focus on one? The short answer is that I want a LIFE, not a job with a side of life, and I’m pretty sure my husband is actually incapable of doing all the little things I do to keep our relatively simple lives moving. But is he actually incapable? Or am I such a control freak I don’t let him? All I know is that I feel like I was preconditioned to assume that my husband’s job is important- but why do I let myself think mine isn’t? I can swing my d around like the best of them at work but still feel the need to be martha stewart at home…what are we doing to our young girls that this is STILL a relevant issue? Love this topic and could write 16 more pages on it. Thanks Bailey!
Love this topic which reminds me that yesterday at the gym I found myself fist pumping to Glamour Magazine’s Election 2012 articles while on the elliptical. Regardless of political affiliation, women have significant power to change the economy, healthcare and reproductive advances. As Cindi Leive, Editor in Chief, states – There are 7 million more women than men eligible to vote this year. 51 percent of the voting population in America is female. Talking to women is not “fluff”—it’s common sense for a candidate and a president.
Working or be at home, women need to have an active interest and impact in the policies and decisions being made by our Congress, businesses, schools and ourselves.
http://www.glamour.com/inspired/2012/10/election-2012-barack-obama-interview-with-glamour-magazine-november-2012
This is something near and dear to my heart. Glad you had a catch my breath moment today so I could catch up! Loved the Biscuit sneak peak. Can’t wait for more…So, I am the mother of two. I work full time. When I went back to work after my first, I didn’t know how I was going to make it. I cried all day at my desk, stared at pictures of my precious son on my computer and pretty much regretted the fact that I had a job that justified my going back to work because of the paycheck. But, the economic downtown was hard on my husband and we needed my income. I wished so much that I could be a “be at home mom,” because to me, they had it all. When it was time for me to go back to work after my second, I was still in the same job, but my husband had gotten a different one, so we weren’t as dependent on my income. I still needed to help support so I was back at work, but not totally loving what I was doing, and his new job opened the door for me to be able to consider other things. I think the key for working mothers is to find something they are passionate about. You are not going to rise to the top if you’re not passionate about what you are doing, especially if you have a family to take care of at home. My dad’s words of wisdom were, “if your heart isn’t in it, get your butt out,” and my problem was that I was not at all into the job I was doing. I just recently gave notice and will begin working for less money and zero benefits, but because it is something I am passionate about and have somewhat of a stake in, I am more motivated to succeed. Have you read about the CEO of yahoo? Maybe you pointed us to this article yesterday? I don’t know how I came to see it, but it is very relevant — http://www.usatoday.com/story/opinion/2012/10/09/full-time-ceo-doesnt-equal-part-time-mom/1623389/. Just saw this one too — http://www.huffingtonpost.com/linda-k-wertheimer/marissa-mayer_b_1683859.html. There are definitely women out there who seemingly have it all, but I think they know what they want, have an amazing partner, are passionate about going where they want to go and have a vision on how to get there. Look at you. Having a one year old is not easy when you are a full time blogger and entrepreneur, but you make it happen because you are passionate about it and love what you are doing. Love the blog and so excited to see how Biscuit grows!
Agree, agree, agree! Except for one tiny detail, that women need to be more ambition and part of what is holding us back from “having it all” is a lack of ambition. For a countering point of view, from Sheryl Sandberg’s, is Anne-Marie Slaughter’s in her article here: http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2012/07/why-women-still-cant-have-it-all/309020/ It’s long but totally worth a read. This is a tough topic and one that most likely will never go away. At least not until men start bearing children! (:
Megan