I am kind of stumped on how to continue this discussion…You all have brought up some really great points. I have a whole document laying out what I thought my third post was going to be on the solutions other women have suggested, and what has worked for me. Things like, ASK FOR HELP!
Here was that thought:
Ladies, we have got to ask for help. I get as sucked into the allure of someone who DOES IT ALL just as much as the next woman, but consider this:
See!? It doesn’t make you weak to ask for help, it makes you a BOSS!
And in the interest of transparency and not perpetuating this expectation, here is the truth on our help and schedule. We wake up every morning with Grace, do breakfast and snuggles, until our most wonderful, kindest, loving housekeeper gets here. Then I either do work from home or exercise/shower (when I can) until I go into the office to meet my interns. Usually Pete takes Grace on a father-daughter lunch date, and sometimes brings her by the store to say “hi” to me before nap time. She naps, and then I get home to relieve our housekeeper since Pete works and is taking classes at night. Gracie and I go on a walk, to the park, Elmo, whatever the day calls for, make dinner, bath time, bed time. Then I work until Pete gets home and we try to shut off for an hour together. If I still have more work then I do it in bed until I’m finished. Sometimes that is at 10:30, sometimes it is at 2:00 am. That is our “balance”, and honestly it works pretty well. I am able to see our girl throughout the day, and I feel like we get some quality hours together in the morning and afternoon, but I really worry how it will work once the store is open and I have to be at there until 6:00. Right now the plan is that she will be at the store with me in the office, but who knows if that is realistic. We will have to take it as it comes and make it work.
On the business side, I could not do any of this without my business partners or my interns. A few months ago Pete and I were part of a magazine photoshoot at our Austin house. I noticed that between shots the photographer seemed to pay no real attention to the lighting or shot set up and I asked him about that. He told me that one of his mentors early on had advised him to avoid learning about the lighting and other technical aspects of the shot, believing that being bogged down or even aware of the effort required to set up the desired shot could hinder his vision. As the photographer his role was to conceive of the best shot of the room, and then capture that image. All the work in between those two end goals was someone else’s job. That is anathema to everything I have ever believed about what one should do to be the best at their job- and yet it rang so true to me. I have grown up admiring hard scrabble stories of people who worked their way up through the ranks, mastering every task involved in a job before reaching the top and possessing the knowledge from each level on the way. But I do know in my decorating work that there are often times when I come up with an awesome balls to the walls idea, that I then talk myself out of once I start to wade through the many details and efforts required to make it happen. I think there is a need for balance, there is a certain achievement in seeing a difficult task through each of its phases, but I also think there is a time to recognize your own strengths and the strength of others and assign tasks based on what will get the best end result.
My other piece of advice I endorse from my own experience? (again, not trying to make this all about me, but I don’t claim to know what is going on for anyone else) Make your partner a real partner.
Sandberg talks about it in her TED Talk:
And then JJ Keith talks about it in the greatest parenting article ever:
I can admit I am the person who has the tendency to imprison themselves with their controlling tendencies. Since I simply haven’t been able to be as controlling, I have seen how destructive my hovering can be to my ultimate goals and desires. Since Pete has taken charge of our girl for a few hours a day on his own, he has his own way of doing things, and I love how special his relationship with Grace is. And if I hadn’t let go of my controlling tendencies, I would never have learned that Grace really prefers a very full bath. Had I known Pete was bathing Grace in the deep end, I would have been like GET THAT BABY OUT OF THERE SHE IS GOING TO DROWN THE WATER IS UP TO HER EYEBALLS!!!!!! But false, she loves it. She laughs and bobs around and it is so much easier because she is so happy. Moms, our role is important, but Dads tend to be the ones that test the waters when we would be too nervous to break the rules, and the results can be really adorable.
And I had more, some pearls for our corporate sisters I searched out after reading some comments. But then. There is this. I said it at the beginning and I am going to say it again now:
NOTHING IS GOING TO CHANGE ON EITHER SIDE OF THE EQUATION IF WE DERIDE EACH OTHERS CHOICES AND CIRCUMSTANCES.
But maybe that isn’t the answer, maybe we just have to toughen up and stop caring so much what other people say (which is kind of like telling me to grow a Unicorn horn, I would love to, but howwww???)
Because here’s what, there is no way to win. And to demonstrate, please let me share an email and a comment I received within the same few days:
Then the comment, in response to my Let’s Have A Kiki post:
First, I am not saying they are the same. I invited the discussion, and was actually most excited to read the comments that saw things a bit differently, and I am pleased that everyone kept things civil. In no way am I saying “Annie” was coming from the same place as “Desiree”. BUT it is clear that there is no way to please Annie and Desiree both. I can work my ass off following what I truly believe is my correct path, and that is either a vanity project or abandoning my child. I can avoid talking about these issues and be a selfish, unaware rich girl, or I can disappoint my readers by “going there”. Either way, someone is going to think I am a pure asshole. I guess my job is to know myself well enough to not let it affect me. That is what I am working on, anyway.
I do doubt that guys criticize each other like this.
It seems like a lot of work for women to with fight each other and a system that favors men for success. My hats off to the ladies climbing the corporate ladder, at home with the babies, or elsewhere who have defined success for themselves in the face of such criticism. I truly had no idea that was what we were up against.
And…because after staring at this post with a frown on my face for an hour I got sick of being sour…Here is a sampling from the rest of the comments, which have been so inspiring…let’s refocus on this perhaps?
Lori Posted October 7, 2012 at 11:39 pm
Well I have lots of thoughts on all of this. But they are best discussed with a beverage. I felt it was easier to work when the kids were smaller. Or maybe I have forgotten. Ha. Now that they are school aged I struggle. I have so many new business ideas, creativity wanting to escape and more ambition than I have energy. However, I really want to be the person who picks Livi and Reeve up everyday from school. It’s in those minutes that I here the truth about their days, the excitement in their eyes, or the struggles they faced. I still work, I just limit the projects so that they can fit in my little window. My biggest piece of advice is to not forget to take care of yourself. And I mean forget ~ literally. <3
Andrea Posted October 8, 2012 at 6:23 am
I think one important thing we have to do is talk about how we accomplish what we’ve accomplished in business, so will share this story. For the last job I got, before I went out on my own (I’m 3 years into my successful business), I received an offer over the phone. The person told me the salary & I asked for the weekend to consider it. I called on Monday and countered with a hire salary. He said “but that’s not what I offered.” I said “but that’s what I’m worth.” And then, I said nothing. It was hard, but I just let that hang in the air. And then he accepted my counter-offer. It was incredibly empowering, and it was one of the hardest things I’d ever had to do in a professional setting. So worth it, though, especially knowing how often men ask for & get higher salaries that women could have gotten but for remaining silent.
I encourage you to consider how you can empower and mentor your employees at Biscuit. Help train them for better, higher-paying work than what you can give them – help them see themselves as people who could start businesses, and teach them how to be smart, ethical, and compassionate. There are some great women business owner role models here in H-town. I’ll raise a toast (sorry, it is hot tea b/c it is just 5 am!) to your success!
Jackie Jade Posted October 8, 2012 at 12:33 pm
I love this post! It’s something I have thought about a lot recently and discussed with my friends. I am an attorney and it’s a tough field for women to succeed because it’s often long long hours and a lot of “face time.” I have been trying to meet with other female attorneys in my area and hear their thoughts on how they have a balance. It is difficult, because the typical way to be promoted is to work more, more, more. I am not opposed to hard work, but I wonder how that model will play out once I am a mom too. I think it’s important for women to recognize the hurdles we are bound to face and to do our best to change what we can, but also to do what is the best for us, our families and careers. Excited to read more posts/comments on these issues the rest of the week!
ashley Posted October 8, 2012 at 1:59 pm
i will echo the previous comments and say kudos for broaching this topic and i’m really intrigued by some of the facts and figures you shared. i wonder how many of the women who own the businesses that are not impacting US revenue & jobs are mothers or future mothers who consciously made the decision to work out of the home so they could be with their children more. i’m sure that owning a work-from-home business takes a ton of time and dedication, but it also allows for flexibility unlike a typical 9-5 (or let’s be honest and say 8-6ish) office job does. i would also be curious to know how many of those businesses succeed or are in existence 1 year later. 5 years? i love the surge in entrepreneurship, but it almost seems trendy to start a business these days, especially in wedding planning and curated online shops. a lot of the start-ups that i’ve seen succeed have teams that includes experienced business partners, founders with business degrees, formal business plans, and/or a truly unique product offering. obviously you don’t need all or even any of those things to succeed, but i wonder how business-savvy some of these new biz owners are and if they would be able to take a chance like that if they didn’t have a partner that had a steady flow of income to fall back on.
Melissa Posted October 8, 2012 at 3:25 pm
Oh my gosh, I have so many thoughts on this topic…For me, the single biggest changes that would help women work and achieve more in business is: 1) make the school day match the work day 2) provide a tax benefit that is actually commensurate with the real-world cost of full-time daycare, rather than the paltry $5000 max per family (insane, no quality, full-time daycare in this country can be had for $5000 per year for one child, let alone multiple children) 3) Women supporting each other, regardless of the choices we make for our families–how can we expect to be taken seriously in the business world if we are busy tearing each other down about PTA volunteering and SAHM vs. work?!…I need work to appreciate my kids, and I need my kids to appreciate my work! But the juggle can definitely be tough, and it takes a lot of finessing to make it happen–great daycare/home help, support from family/friends, involved partner, lots of patience. We actually moved from a place we loved, in order to be closer to family that could help out so that both my husband and I can “do it all.” And there are still days when I feel like I am failing on every front….usually when that happens, I realize I need to sit back and look at what I am involved in, because it’s probably too much. Something has to give.
Though I have to say that with my personal business, I do find myself kind of laying-up about what my goals are…your post made me own up to that and re-think what I want it to be, regardless of my role as a mother. Because how many men own a business and caveat their growth/success with, “well if it fits into school hours.” I so look forward to the discussion this week.
Emily Posted October 8, 2012 at 5:13 pm
…I loved this post. I’m an ER doctor in the military. Which is basically the boy’s club to end all boy’s clubs. But this comment is not about boys vs. girls. So I digress. I don’t have any babies yet. Emphasis on the yet. I know I want to have kids at some point. Preferably after I finish my residency training. Then I owe the military four years of Active Duty Service. After which time, I will probably begin working part-time. Hopefully to spend more time with my children. (who will hopefully exist by that point)
I struggle with this plan all the time. I’ve spent four years of undergrad, four years in med school, am halfway through three years of residency, and will spend four years in full-time Active Duty service as a military physician…all to be able to have a part-time job? Yet at the same time, I couldn’t imagine working full-time and having my children be raised by someone else. This is not to say that I’m opposed to having help…quite the opposite…
And that was just a few from the first post, y’all are a bunch of Beyonce-level badasses. Thank you for contributing. Anyone have advice or thoughts for these ladies?
And in conclusion today there is this, from a phenomenal article a commenter posted on the so-called “mommy wars”:
Drops the mic.
Again, a great, relevant, and thought-provoking post. As I was reading the comments (not paying attention to the commenters names) I had a total feeling of de’ja vous, I was all “HEY, MEE TOOO! ” and then I realized that it was my own comment, DUH.
So thanks for that!
I think something a friend of mine said the other day (in reference to feeling guilty about wanting “more” in life) is completely applicable here, too. That what the world needs is more happy people, out there doing good in whatever way they personally contribute to DO GOOD. If “more” allows you to contribute more good, then it’s not selfish nor shallow. I know, RIGHT?!?!! So whether it’s mosquito nets or employing factory workers, happy children or inspired co-workers/employees, if we are putting our best self out there and making a positive difference in the world through our choices, whatever those choices, then they are the RIGHT choices. End of judgmental discussion.
I also find it strange that Desiree extrapolated that you are not a generous or charitable person based solely upon the content of your blog. While you do share a good portion of yourself here on PB, as a blogger myself, I would venture to say that you do not share 100% of every facet of your life here. I know I don’t. Based on my blog (or on my work encounters or many of my friendships) most people have no idea what I do or don’t support charitably, nor to what extent. And that’s because I personally don’t need recognition and from others to validate my contributions, so I don’t share. But that doesn’t lessen the contribution nor it’s benefits….so take a deep breath and remember the context of the information at hand before you go condemning someone.
While I do love your blog for the design, your fun voice, and sharp wit…I am also really enjoying the more thoughtful discussions this week. It’s like having an intelligent and meaningful conversation with a friend whom you’ve only ever gone shopping with, or whom you’ve only sat at kids’ soccer games chatting absentmindedly to in the past. A surprising turn of events that adds dimension to the relationship.
But I still can’t WAIT to see your new house and Biscuit goods!!!
I love reading everybody’s perspective on women, working in the corporate world I always find it fascinating how competitive and mean spirited women are to each other. This venomous attitude does NOT help anybody, and this fighting holding us back in every aspect of the business world- not just entrepreneurship. I work in the good ol’ boys club (and was even told I was too cute for a promotion) but even still women tend to be the most difficult people to work with. I know I have control freak tendencies, that were actually inherited from my father, but I still try to be supportive of everybody I work with. If only women could figure that supporting ALL women benefits them in the end we would be in a much better place.
So I had a really well-written comment that I thought I hit “post” on, but apparently did not…
Firstly, another really great, thought-provoking post today. I was reading it going, “mmm hmmm, yep, I hear you….” and then, “YEP, MEEE TOOOOO!” at which point I noticed the commenters name, and it was my own comment.
SO thanks for that!
Secondly, I find a conversation I had with an in-person friend of mine the other day (in response to the thought of feeling guilty over wanting “more” in life) where she pointed out that what the world needs are more happy people out there contributing, lifting people up, making things better. Making a difference. So if having “more” helps you do that, then it is totally appropriate. I think the same thing applies here–if your choices allow you to be a happier person out there walking around in the world, contributing, lifting others up, and making a positive impact on the world then they are clearly the RIGHT CHOICES, regardless of what they are. Happy kids, empowered and inspired co-workers, employed factory workers or domestic help, they all have value and are equally “right” in the world.
Thirdly, I find it quite odd that this Desiree feels she can accurately know your level of charittable contributions based solely upon this blog. Though you are quite open in many respects, as a blogger myself, I would venture to say that you don’t share 100% of every portion of your life on PB…open as I am, I know I don’t. Blog readers, co-workers–heck even some of my friends and family–have no idea to what extent I personally contribute to support charitable causes. That’s because I personally don’t value recognition for those efforts in order for them to be meaningful. I guess ultimately we just need to consider the context of what we “know” about an individual before lobbing our judgments over the fence.
AND FINALLY, I already loved your blog for its design goodness, your humor and sharp wit. The discussion this week was surprisingly refreshing and meaningful…like having a deep, meaningful conversation with a friend you’ve previously only gone to lunch with, or chatted beside at kids’ soccer games. Adds a whole other dimension to the relationship while simultaneously making you grow a little bit in the process. Win-win. And I can’t WAIT to see your new digs and Biscuit goodness!
BQM, your grand slam piece was this: the ladies already have it harder, and then they claw each other up and down. What you have, where you came from, what you do… WHO CARES; if you’re pursuing something you believe is important, if you’re thinking about how you’re living, and if you’re giving love to the people you love, that’s all there is. And you’re doing it big! Now: http://www3.picturepush.com/photo/a/4698196/480/fnny/Haters-gonna-hate-scooter.jpg?v0
xx
Hi Bailey!!
In response to that email from Alice- First of all, not every woman has the OPTION to stay home with their children as much as they would love to. Think of a single mother with virtually no support trying to care for young children— why make her feel guilty because she cannot stay home and take care of her kids? Another point- some women are making a significant sum of money that can be used for the long term care of their family. How does going to work to contribute to the potential costs of college, unseen medical expenses, etc make anyone selfish? Many women spend years and years in medical school to become drs and do tons of good for the world- does that make them any less of mother because they choose to go back to work? And there are women that were BORN to be at home mothers with their children and being in the home is their greatest joy. To think that there is only ONE way that is right, is so so wrong. There are a million different scenarios, and no two women are walking the exact same path. Everyone has their own internal struggles, career struggles, family struggles, …there is no reason to be condescending towards other women because what works for someone else does not fit an idea of what is correct. Every mother should be allowed to make whatever decision works best for her own family, and own happiness, without the fear of others judging her decisions. I have heard the quote a million times- a happy mom makes a happy baby, and it is SO true. I guarantee, whether someone works or not, it is a decision that has not been reached lightly or without thought from the mother. Drop the judgment on parenting! As everyone else has said..we women need to support each other! Not degrade others for having an opinion different than ours.
In some cases, there are babies that do not have their mother-whether they have passed away, or they are alive and unable to take care of their child for whatever reason. In my opinion, it is such a destructive thought to even put out there that a grandmother, husband, partner, friend, etc is any way “less” of a caregiver to the child. I agree with Beth, it does take a village.
After working in a career I loved for many years, I took a break for the birth of my daughter. While I cherished this time with her, I am realizing what I thought I wanted, is in fact, not what I want, and I am beginning to look back into my career options, and how to make it work with her. My husband is 100% supportive of my decision and is willing to help make it all work in any way he can. Becuase of his support, and my own friends, I am able to feel confident about the decisions I make. Thank God my own friends dont kick me down with comments like that. I do not feel this makes me less of a good mother because I want to go back to work. I am so sorry anyone truly feels like that there is only one way to go. I respect, love, and value the at home mommies, and feel the same way for working mothers. Women need to show each other love, support and understanding. If you don’t agree with someone, do it respectfully and actually entertain anothers opinion…tremendous growth can come from healthy debates.
One other thing, women need access to is affordable daycare, and more flexible work hours. I know so many women that have LOVED their jobs, but when it came down to the daycare costs, they ended up quitting because the daycare depleted their entire paychecks.
Bailey, you are FABLUOUS and such a refreshing and honest voice. I love you are talking about this- and love you openly discussing your struggles as a new mommy, as I am going through some of the same situations. Keep your chin up and don’t late the haters bring you down
Commented once today already but just read through everyone’s responses and had to comment again. The Mommy Wars thing is so strange. I guess I have always noticed it but just ignored it in general as my whole life and career is built on not really worrying too much what people think of me!
But some of my SAHM friends – not all – do make comments that are interesting. Usually along the lines of “You are so lucky you work and my life is so hard being home all the time” … followed up with… “but I didn’t have kids so someone else could raise them”. I am always left with this odd feeling of am I supposed to being sympathetic to a friend complaining about a challenge in their life or am I supposed to be offended!?? Ha ha ha! Craziness.
Other thing I wanted to say is back to what you “contribute to the world”. I am a very busy person with alot going on. Mostly great sometimes bad. Like us all. I log onto your site everyday and it makes me FEEL BETTER! And I tell others to also! So you make a difference. You sincerely do. Not only by being entertaining but you have even prior to this post caused me to look at my life differently. I think your commitment to being joyful. It has inspired me. So no not a malaria tent but you have made a difference in my life.
And your welcome party at your wedding inspired my friends 40th bday theme (you have seen the pics!) and it was the most magical beautiful night which she will cherish.
The good things we do are far reaching – more than we know.
XXOO
Oh my!! Another snarky commenter. To imply that you should give all your time to the disadvantaged as KKKKatie posted is insane! I mean does that mean that all money you earn over your basic living expenses you in turn donate? Do you not earn any extra money that you spend on “luxury”? I just think that making money is okay. Giving it away is good too but why can’t Bailey spend her
resources on creating a business? Why is this bad?
Bailey-
1st off- people like KKKKKatie are off their rockers. Why do you have to feel guilty of your wealth? You shouldn’t, I say, as long as you know you are fortunate and are thankful for it…..which you seem to be!
I think I may have commented on one other blog before, but this is something near and dear to my heart so I feel compelled to comment. I am a female engineer in the oil & gas world….hello male domination! To me, one of the main reasons for the gap is that women know what it takes to get to the top and often step off that train. At least that was the case for me. I was previously on “the fast track” and would have likely been a VP by the time I was 40-ish. But, I sought out a lot of counsel on what my path would really look like and knew that it wasn’t what I wanted. As a mother, I knew I didn’t want to be away from my child for extremely long hours and travel a lot. For men, it’s “okay” and accepted for dad to work a lot and miss a few baseball games, but it’s not okay for mom. Everyone expects mom to be there for everything!!!! And, honestly….I want to! So, I stepped that train and, although I am still working in that atmosphere, I “only” work 10 hour days now.
The best advice I EVER got was to seek overall balance as opposed to everyday balance. There are some days when I am so focused on work and get home just a half hour before bed. Then, there are other days when I leave early and do nothing but think about my daughter. At the end of a week, I just strive to have that “overall” balance. That helped me so much to think of it that way.
And, to people like Annie….let’s compare kids in a few years. I have no doubt that my child will be every bit as fabulous as your even though she is left at “institutionalized daycare”! You think you are a better mom for staying home? Good for you! Maybe you are….or maybe you are just insecure yourself. I have ZERO guilt about my choices, and respect yours to stay at home!
Lastly, I was raised by an extremely successful mother career-wise. We had a live in nanny, but my mom (and dad) RAISED me, not the nanny. I think I turned out okay and now my mom is such a source of inspiration to me. Her best advice was to define what “having it all” means to you. You can’t do everything, as you pointed out. I wish I could be a rockstar at work, spend quality time with my daughter and husband, cook a fresh homemade meal every night, run 6 miles a day, and have a perfect house. But, I CAN’T. So, we define our priorities. When my daughter has parties at school, I wish I could be that mom that makes the perfect Pinterest baked goods….but I just don’t have time for that. So, I sign up to bring paper goods. At the end of the day, I’m fine being the “napkin mom”! I am sure people like Annie frown at me, but I DON’T CARE.
Follow your bliss, Bailey….and let go of the guilt! It’s a wasted emotion and it sounds like you are doing a better job than me at balancing it all!
holy macaroni, i’ve missed a lot! thanks for the shout-out lady and rest-assured you have a LOT of fans!! at the end of the day, every woman, every family, every situation is different…there is no one “right” answer and though i don’t have children yet, my guess is that finding that balance between motherhood and pursuing personal goals (like a business) is a journey. rock on.
As a person who has been BOTH a SAHM and a working mom, I can tell you that the grass is NOT better, greener, fresher, or somehow tastier…. What it is is: different, togo, involves making choices and sacrifices… Both sides are therefore essentially: the same!
Further, I was raised by a divorced mom, and was therefore a product of an “institution”. I have turned out just fine. And my son, who has been with his mom all years before he started school, will turn out “just fine” also.
All that to say….. I have spent a lot of time on both sides of the fence, and in the end, you have to make choices that are right for you and your family!
Bailey – you are an excellent, admirable person. You give plenty to lots of people. Maybe not mosquito nets… But by creating Biscuit you are creating: a legacy for everyone to see, a lot of jobs in a time where our country needs it most, and a fine example of a mom AND a business woman. I am impressed and can’t wait to see it all come together!
Hey Bailey! Thanks for such a thought provoking discussion this week. I don’t have kids nor do I plan to have some any time soon but I have major respect for both sides of the fence. All I can hope is that this discussion gave both sides a chance to see how the opposite one feels. I don’t understand all the hate and tension between females. Being a mom (from what I can tell) is hard enough and full of enough anxiety/stress without adding in any other outside issues. Most moms just do the best they can in their situation.. and that is that.
As for that hate email, I’m still astounded by the crazy people on the internet who accost you. I think my financial situation and yours are on opposite ends of the spectrum but I would never belittle you for what you have or who that has made you, just like I know you wouldn’t do that to me.
“Haters gonna hate”
So, Bailey, following up on your post- does Pete do the laundry and grocery shopping? I saw that neither was listed on your day’s activities. Who takes the baby to the doctor? (something which is a HUGE time suck and generally gets pushed on to moms.) I appreciate that you share these sorts of details but its hard to take it on board when you tell people to ask for help and then you show how your day comes together due to the ability to pay for full-time help, which you couldn’t do without your husband’s money. I’m not sure that you understand how much harder it is for people with your money.
great discussion. i love and appreciate how honest and generous you are with your blog. sorry for the haters, but i suppose the world is beautiful because we are all different, i guess. still, i was shocked to see someone assume they really knew you based on blog posts. we all know these things are just selected peaks into our lives, not a full representation. anyway, keep on keeping on! and the bit about pete bathing grace in eyeball deep water had me crying with laughter! my husband came home early to bath our baby last week and i walked in and saw her little one year old self bobbing around blissfully in what looked to me like a swimming pool/death trap. but he was obviously there protecting her and she was happy as pie. she obviously now hates when i give her the bath, which is about 2 inches deep!
This is such a relevant topic in my life. Thanks for going there and opening up the discussion. I grew up with a SAHM and a fairly successful father. I always thought I would be a SAHM too. Fast-forward to my 20s…graduated with my masters, broke up with my college boyfriend that I thought I would marry (thank God I didn’t), and all of a sudden I have to be a career woman. I didn’t meet and marry my husband until my late 20s. By then I had a lucrative, successful career that I mostly like, not-so-coincidentally in the same field as my father. The kicker is that I make significantly more money than my husband. We decided that we weren’t willing to wait on children until everything was “right”, so we had our first baby at 30, just three short months ago. I went back to work 4 weeks ago and put my child in daycare (gasp). I don’t know if I would make the choice to stay home if we were financially in the position for me to do so. I feel like maybe I would want to work part-time, but then it starts getting harder to justify the cost of childcare, particularly once you have multiple children (not too far down the road for us). So here’s the deal….I’m happy! I have a great marriage, a beautiful baby, and a job that I like pretty well. I don’t love leaving my baby every day, but I do know the time I spend with her is quality time. I don’t get as frustrated with her as I see many of my SAHM friends get with their kids. I do wish maternity leave were about 3 months longer, but it’s okay. As women we can’t help but compare ourselves to others. I see friends who still aren’t married (and want to be), those who are in unhappy marriages or already divorced, those that are SAHMs and are mad that their husbands are gone all of the time, and many, many that have trouble conceiving children. I’m so lucky to have a loving husband that shares household duties, a healthy child, and the resources to live a comfortable lifestyle. We’re adjusting to our new normal and enjoying every second that we get to be with our daughter!
Fantastic and engaging discussion about these important topics over the last couple of days.
One element that I think is important to consider but rarely mentionned in these discussions is that if you are even in a position where you are debating work vs. SAHM that means you are priveledged. I’m not saying that in a negative way but avoiding looking at it that way is unfair to all the women who do not have the choice. A lot of women and mothers get up and go to work every day simply because they have to. They have bills to pay and no husband or family to fall back on. Or maybe they do have great husbands but raising a family is expensive and a lot of families need two incomes. I appreciate this discussion and it is very relevant to me but when I get too stressed out about it, I realize that it’s a priveledge to have these options. To be able to consider how many hours to work, what to purse, when/if to stay at home, the role of ambition and societal pressures, etc. These are all problems that a lot of women wish they had. A lot women wish they had been able to get an education that put them in a position to get work experience that put them in a position to be able to someday dictate what hours they work and how much they are paid.
So I know this is all very complicated and it gets people really worked up and it has a real impact on our lives, our kids, etc. But we need to remember we’re lucky just to be part of the drama somedays.
Nicole- Our housekeeper does the laundry while Grace naps, Pete and I split the grocery shopping, as well as taking Grace to the doctor depending on the time and what we have going on.
I am not saying our situation works for everyone, this whole discussion is about those who have some sort of choice in their working situation. I realize that a lot of people don’t even have the choice, and that if we are discussing options we are lucky. The reason I think it matters is because if women aren’t making it to the top levels of corporate or management, they aren’t going to be able to change policies for those working further down the ranks who are usually the ones without the choice to work or not.
I know not everyone can afford full time help, and we are fortunate that we can, the reason I posted about our schedule is not because I think anyone should, or that everyone can, follow it. It is to be transparent because I think a lot of the time women don’t talk about the help we have and perpetuate this myth that somehow I am doing all of this on my own, which only makes those struggling to manage their load feel worse. People asked how I manage, and that is how we do.
Something I’ve noticed in reading your blog for the past few months is how offended you get at people disagreeing with or criticizing you. I honestly don’t understand this. You’re putting your entire world out there for people to see, you’re discussing your family, financial situation, new business, etc., but don’t expect people to say anything but “congratulations” and “great topic,” it seems.
I actually probably agree with you on a lot of this working mother stuff, but it’s disconcerting how you highlight the posts of certain people who don’t agree with you, which will probably be me tomorrow.
I am a very sensitve person, perhaps you are too, but if I were sharing this much of my life online- for my own publicity, I would deal with the negative comments among the mostly positive comments a little bit more maturely.
Bailey, I just want to know what you are going to do with yourself once you open the store and are flooded with fans just stopping by to fawn all over you! Because most of your posts are great, but this one is just awesome. Thanks.
Long time reader, first time commenter. Agree with post above. How is it that literally 2 people had negative (or opposite opinions) than you, and you chose to highlight those and make them the topic of a day’s conversation? And how is it possible that you are able to sympathize with the plight of the typical “middle class” American mom? I watched the vice presidential debate last night and was sadly reminded of the reality that most of the country is facing these days. I am a full time at home mom, but had a successful career in the production industry for years. I believe that REAL feminism is a woman’s right to CHOOSE which path she will take. I’ve chosen (not without sacrifice) to be a STAY AT HOME MOM. Which I proudly call myself. Be at home or whatever you coined it, makes no sense. When your days are determined by the care of your children, you are usually “staying at home”. I’m not intimidated by that term. But I am concerned that you opened up a topic that you really don’t know much about based on your lifestyle. No person of your age is able to renovate (at no budget whatsoever), 3 homes before they are 30, AND start a business. You just don’t fit the mold of the everyday mom or even come close to the situations of the commenters on these discussions. Feel empathy if you may, but I’m not buying your “let’s join forces for women everywhere” deal. It’s just not convincing if you are a daily reader of this blog, which I now no longer will be. Most middle class mothers are deciding things like “hmmm, if public schools are so out of shape these days, how am I going to pay for (or finance) private school?” not debating over which 5 star resort to stay in on their next trip to Italy, or which color of Murano glass chandelier to get in their next dining room.
Kara- You are not a first time commenter. You are Annie from the “mommy wars” comment. I checked your IP. I can find a lot more from that too, so if you are going to personally attack me anonymously…Make sure you are ready to own your words. I put myself out there, and expect that those that would challenge me have the courage to do the same.
The reason I chose your comment as the topic of conversation was to illustrate the hate that women deal with, and the fact that even in a discussion aimed to honor and enlighten, there would be people like you who choose to “go there” (your words).
And “Annie” 2 comments above. I have only ever highlighted 3 comments. One that called our 9 month old daughter a disgusting name and stalked me for months, and then the hateful comment I got from “desiree/kara” above. You would never walk up to a stranger on the street and yell FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!
Because there you would be standing. Face to face.
And yet, I get comments and emails from people weekly commenting on my weight, parenting, life goals etc. I don’t highlight or even respond to the great majority of them. (See k-k-katie above etc) Some I have even acknowledged probably have a point.
I guess I don’t think it has anything to do with maturity to let people bully you on the internet when they don’t even have the courage of their convictions to post as their real selves.
Applause, applause Bailey! Well said! Your last two paragraphs sum it up beautifully. I’m a mom of 3, physician that is lucky enough to practice medicine in 24 hour shifts a few times a month (AND its still considered a full-time job!), I feel like both a full-time mom and full time doc and SO lucky to be both. Another perspective: thank Glob (as my kids say) that we live in a country that allows (or dare I say, does not interfere) in these choices, yes CHOICES, that we have. Thank God that we live in a country or culture that makes these choices for us. And thank God that we are able to actually have and communicate these opinions. But my mom always said (and I’m paraphrasing), if you don’t have anything nice to say or you can’t help but sound snarky and put down someone else’s life choices by gettin on your high horse about your own choices, then maybe don’t say anything at all (ahem, Annie?). Counting my blessings, ladies, just counting my blessings.
Bailey, since I have terrible ADHD (ok, I’m self-diagnosing) and JUST read your comment in the Comment section to Kara…OMG. There are psycho people out there. As a paranoid pediatrician, please take down your detailed info on your daily schedule with your family. There are too many crazies in the world to have that much info on your daily life posted so publicly. Regards, Mina
Hi Bailey,
I check in on your blog periodically and enjoy your work. I’d love for someone like you to decorate my home and next time I’m in Houston I would love to stop by Biscuit though I bet I can’t afford a darn thing there.
I need to outright say that I have wondered how you can renovate homes, run a blog, have a kid, go to Italy and so on.
But then I have to admit to something few women would like to. We get jealous of those with different experiences. The we tear each other down to build our own lifestyles/egos up.
I can read your blog and say, man, I wish I could go to Italy bla bla bla. But I’m a mom and cannot imagine the turmoil you must have felt when Grace’s condition became known to you and Pete. I cannot fathom moving as often as you have (and money surely does not make uprooting easier). So thinking those things quells my little jealous monster.
As for my second and final point, I also have to own that I am a SAHM because my husband and I felt that I should be. I made that choice. And you are making the choice to start your own business, and if Pete is on board no one else matters but you and he.
So to be forthright I get jealous of ladies who seemingly have more/accomplish more/do more. But all the ugliness fades when I remember I made a choice and so did she.
As for how to fix things, I remain as stumped as you. I was always taught that when something needs fixing, fix yourself first.
Good discussion. From one liberal arts degree to another.
I want to email, re-post, pin, etc. this post every where. We (women) are so stink’n mean to each other I can’t stand it. Why can’t we think we’re awesome? Why can’t we be happy for each other. And WHY in the world, do most of these comment-ers want you to apologize for the amount of money you and your husband have. SO WHAT?! Why does there have to be a level of jealousy instead of, “You know what, good for her! Making good use of the resources she was so blessed to have.” I just don’t freaking get it. My husband and I both work, and it works. We’re happy. Our daughter is SO happy and freaking SMART as a whip! No, she’s not at some top school, and we don’t have incredible paying jobs, but we have a great life, and isn’t that what this is about? Every woman, as different as she is, finding the right balance for herself? Keep on keeping on there, Bailey. Don’t stop kicking ass.
Bailey, there is some amazing content in these posts and comments! I’ve spent the afternoon going through it, and I feel like I’ve just skimmed the surface of information that you have presented to us! Thank you for bringing this up! And kudos to you for strongly representing both the service (through your design work) and manufacturing (through Biscuit) industries in the USA. I feel like you’ve definitely got what it takes to turn this is to a huge brand and help turn the economy around (that is, if you want to do all of that). It’s got me thinking about ambition in my own life, for sure. I recently turned down an opportunity to open a bakery with a friend of mine. It’s not that I was lacking ambition, it’s just that my ambition isn’t directed towards that. So these posts have given me a kick in the pants to get on it and figure out exactly how I do want to direct my ambitions, because I have lots of ideas with less action, so thanks for that! I also think the “women don’t frequently hire people and therefore don’t have much options for revenue growth” is an extremely interesting angle! I don’t necessarily think that’s a bad thing though. Must articulate my thoughts a little bit more. Loving the “girl power” vibe we’ve got going on here, btw. Thanks!