Thank you all for your support on the post yesterday. You make it very easy to share what is on my heart. Not so easy? Transitioning from a post like yesterday back to the silly junk we normally discuss here.
**Is there anything that makes you feel cooler than saying you listened to a band before they were popular? Is there anything that makes you seem less cool than feeling the need to say you listened to a band before they were popular?**
Alaina always has the most heartbreakingly beautiful song recommendations that make me feel like an angsty teenager, which is a feeling I quite enjoy in small doses.
This is what they have me spinning lately.
Alexander- A Million Years This song makes me feel groovy and chill. Neither of which I am, but would very much like to be.
Little Green Cars- John Wayne This was Alaina’s recommendation and it would totally make me miss my ex-boyfriend if I had any ex-boyfriends worth missing.
Imagine Dragons- On Top Of The World
Imagine Dragons is a regular on Vh1 Video Jumpstart, which is regularly on our TV every morning. At first I was confused and thought they were embarassing like Train maybe? They still might be, but I am not embarrassed to say I love this song. And although Pete has kept this playing in our house, shout out to Juan&Ernesto for introducing it to us.
And then to keep it real, because I am not that cool, I am also listening to this:
A lot.
What are you listening to that I should know about?
Someone commented yesterday that my post annoyed them because it made Grace seem like second fiddle. And although it made my heart tighten in my chest and choke up a little, I guess I kind of get it. Sometimes I write this blog very intentionally, and sometimes I am tired and just write it like it’s my diary and I am venting my selfishness.
I mean, I have a blog.
A certain amount of self-centeredness should be assumed.
And I think that is what came across, rather than what the reality of our situation is.
I’m not going to defend myself because what I wrote is the truth, and I know there are a lot of other mothers out there that feel the same way.
The first year was hard for us, it was a huge adjustment and we went through a lot to get her here. I think I unintentionally put up a wall because of our difficult pregnancy, being afraid I would lose her and trying to protect myself. Maybe part of what I am feeling now is the full weight of my love for her. Perhaps I am just now fully experiencing my connection with her after working very hard over the last year and a half to break down that wall and put away the trauma of the past and let the love light shine in.
(does that sound kooky? can you tell we spent some time talking to professionals?)
Or maybe I am just innately astonishingly selfish and it is a struggle to lay myself down, as motherhood calls us to do so often.
Just saying, because that would be ok too.
Because the whole point of the post was about trying to do my best/better.
What I will say is that in no way is Grace second fiddle- if anyone else thought the same. She is not around as a prop or entertainment when I have time for her. It is a struggle to find a balance on the amount of time I can/should be at home with her, and it is also important to make the most of that time. I have to be honest with myself about how I engage with her, and how I can give her the best of me.
It is not as simple as stepping away from Biscuit to be with her. I provide jobs for three full time employees, and large contracts for companies employing hundreds of others. I have invested a lot personally and financially, and people are counting on me. And that is a wonderful thing as well, not to be discounted, that I think will be beneficial for Grace to see one day.
Gracie will always be the most important, but I am not only responsible to her in life. It is a very real challenge trying to figure out how to fulfill of all my responsibilities and not drive myself mad about what I should be doing on both fronts, but cannot because I am an actual human being and not Beyonce.
**by the way- I don’t necessarily feel the comment was hateful. I get a lot of sweet comments over here, and I can/should be able to handle a little dissension. I love reading your feedback, but I don’t want to attack anyone here.
The reason I responded was because I know if one person is brave enough to write it, more are thinking it, and I feel like people don’t want to hear parents talk honestly about parenting, and I wanted to address it.
I happened to agree with the comment that the tone of my post was a little “me.me.me”, but it was also honest. You have a baby, not a lobotomy.
I am still a selfish person, as we all are, and I don’t think being shamed for having those thoughts/feelings while struggling to do better helps anyone. Especially not someone who identified with what I wrote, and might not have a thick skin.
I also don’t think it helps anyone to criticize the commenter- I have and will continue to get a lot worse, and only highlighted this one because it was left as a comment, and when I started to respond it got longer and longer and figured I would share it in a post instead. I also received a few thoughtful/questioning emails, that I will respond to privately through email.**
I didn’t write all this yesterday because it was late and I just wanted to share some pictures and chat. But whenever I feel the guilt from within or judgement from the world about my choices, I think about this from Rachelle Hruska via The Glow.
“The hardest part about being a mom: the heaviness of it all.
Life was much lighter when I didn’t have to worry about another person so intimately.
The best part: the heaviness of it all.
Life is so much better knowing that I get to have the most intimate of connections that humans are capable of having.”
Speaking of which…Would you like to see some truly beautiful photographs of one of my baby clients?
You might remember the space in the background (if you can even see anything but the beautiful baby boy) from this post.
Harrison’s adorable Mom contacted me to do their place in Chicago when she was pregnant.
We got pretty far along before Harrison surprised everyone with a scary early birth. I was then and am still in awe of Lisa and how incredibly calm and strong she was, and it is so gratifying to see how well everyone is doing now.
I love seeing that chubby baby body in his digs.
Go here to read more about Harrison’s difficult debut, and how you can help other families. There are so many other beautiful pictures of Harrison and his stunner of a Mom (and Dad). It always amazes me when I look at Grace now how far we have come, and how if someone didn’t know, they would never know. And it is the same here, everyone and everything seems so perfect, and I am really proud of them for sharing a peek into what it took to get them here. You always hear about babies being miracles, but when I see the pictures of Harrison I realize the truth in that on a different level.
And if you are in Chicago, I would highly recommend hiring Suzy, aren’t her photos are so amazingly real and candid? I wish I had some such pictures of our little family- might have to treat ourselves to a session next time we are visiting Chicago.
I was looking through my phone to write this post and realized I have taken over 400 pictures of Grace in the past 3 weeks. Is that insane?
Probably, yes.
It has been really hard for me lately to be away from her as much as I have to be. If I am honest with you, I have to say, it really wasn’t all that hard before. There were definitely days I didn’t want to have to go to work, but for the most part I felt like we had a balance where I spent enough quality time with her that it made my decision to work much easier.
Lately? Not so much. And I actually probably spend more time with her than I have in the past, but I think there is a new depth and richness to our interactions now that she is a real little human. I know there is a lot of bonding and connectivity being built before they are a year old, but after you give your 10,000th bottle and sing your one millionth rendition of Itsy Bitsy Spider, the experience kind of loses its wonder. Or it did for me anyway. Or maybe it wasn’t that it just wasn’t magical so much as I didn’t feel like it had to be me doing those things each and every time. And probably that is my selfishness at not rejoicing in the tenderness of that time, but it felt good for me to get some time away and challenge myself in different ways.
But now, every single day with her is different. And I don’t want to miss things. And I can tell now how much she is processing from her experiences and the people around her and how she is forming that into her little world view, and I want to be the one there helping her process it.
And if I am going to be really honest, because hopefully by now the judgey people decided I was an asshole and stopped reading above when I admitted the newborn stuff got old to me…I am also not that great at just sitting and being with Grace. I’m busy. My mind wanders. My phone sneaks its way out of my pocket to take the 401st picture of Grace…and then somehow I am checking my email and dealing with work and not paying full attention.
So we have been trying to have more adventures and experiences lately.
There was the rodeo.
Which was a huge hit.
One SundayFunday we visited some fish, went airplane spotting, and had our first trip to Baskin Robbins (I have no idea how we waited this long).
She helped us with our photoshoot a few weeks ago.
And we finally went to the zoo.
Gracie was a little nervous about the Elephants at first, but by the time we got to the sleepy Lion she was riding high on Pete’s shoulders loving life.
Any Houstonians holding out on the Zoo…Go.
I am not sure they are following all of the rules and regulations of zoo keeping, because I felt like we were REALLY close to the animals. Which was awesome. And they set it up so you can watch them do neat things, like take a bath with a giant truck tire bath toy.
And we even got to feed the giraffes!
Hims says, “THANKS FOR THE SNACK GRACE!!!!”
And Grace says, “Ahm bashful.”
This past weekend we were in DC visiting family for Easter, and touring Grace around our Nation’s Capital.
Grace was not all that impressed by the White House, but was in awe at the Air & Space Museum. Then paused in front of the capital to consider a career in politics.
That picture of Grace in front of the Capital cracks me up.Right?
I know I’m inspired.
Later that afternoon, Grace and I took a nap together.
Judging by her bedhead, it was as cozy and enjoyable for her as it was for me.
After we put Grace to bed each night, friends babysat in the hotel while Pete and I got dressed up for fancy feasts with his family.
(#alliteration)
We were matching. Because we are the embarassingest.
I was very excited for Easter because of Grace’s innate gift for placing things in and out of containers.
And, as suspected, she was a natural.
We didn’t have the prettiest facilities for an egg hunt, but her clever Aunt Caitlyn helped make sure the Easter bunny paid a visit.
After the hunt, Grace hung out with her Pappy and Dad watching the Obama’s walk to Easter services before heading to our Easter brunch.
Where she discovered her own image, and was delighted.
It was a wonderful weekend, and a wonderfully full few weeks.
Last Monday, Caroline was off, which without fail means receiving a giant shipment that Maddie and I have to wade through on our own.
This one was 27 boxes in one day.
We are busy getting everything on on the site, and doing some freshening up around there as well.
Alaina checked out our graphics and said I’mma UPGRADE ya.
And we are so pleased she did.
We have a few full service design clients with exciting projects on top of our normal edesign work, and Season 2 bedding will be out next month.
So now I am back to work in the store and working on a better balance that allows me to spend more quality time with my girl. It’s not easy, but I think we are figuring it out.
Pete and I finished the last new episode of Mad Men last night.
Concluding our March MadMen-ess.
We watched our first episode ever February 28. That would be 65 episodes in about 28 days? We are living in a mad, mad world over here. I am completely obsessed.
For me, it is everything. I have never been a huge fan of mid-century modern, but I could live in any of the sets gladly. I appreciate the details- like that the characters repeat their outfits often. I enjoy that it is sexy but I don’t feel like I am watching porn. I am not sure when I became such an old prude, but it is true. I love the characters, they are all so flawed but so well developed. There isn’t one person on there that I loathe to see upon my screen.
Except for maybe January Jones.
What an wholly unlikeable woman.
And Pete and I can both agree equally on Joan and Don.
Now what are we going to do going through withdrawals waiting for the show to start again next week?
I mean, besides going back and watching all of the behind the scenes episodes.
